Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
