it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize