Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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