Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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