im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
