remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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