I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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