i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
