Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
