Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
