I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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