remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize