You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
