So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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