how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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