I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
