i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
