do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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