I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize