rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
