just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
