when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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