I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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