im six kinds of drunk right now
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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