dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
