Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
