Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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