things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have aggressive nipples.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
