If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
