i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Randomize
