We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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