I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Green mimosas i think yes
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
