wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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