As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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