He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
