I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
