Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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