my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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