if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize