I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
