I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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