I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
