All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
