I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
