I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize