Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
