Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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