I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
