He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
