Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
