im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
