Too much gin, very little bucket
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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