What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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