He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Randomize
