Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
