Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
